Question: What do you think teenagers need most in a relationship?
Brian Coon: Well, I would say friendship, because chances are the romance won’t last, right? Yeah, if you go with the odds, treating each other well and respectfully, a friendship will hopefully continue, meaning that you’re not behaving in a way that would ruin a friendship.
Jedidiah Zutz: I think that teenagers want companionship. I think that there’s something really comforting about having someone that you can always be with and get to know in different ways.
Chris Mulder: Fun. If it’s not fun, you’re doing it wrong. Especially at this age, you shouldn’t have to be fighting for anything in a relationship right now. It’s not worth it.
Q: What are some bad signs or red flags in a relationship?
Coon: Jealousy. If one person says, ‘Oh, I don’t want you spending time with your friends anymore, you don’t love me, you don’t want to hang out with me.’ … Those relationships you have with your friends will endure, and you need to tend to those still, because you still want to be great friends with them after that relationship is over.
Zutz: I think control is obviously a really bad sign. If someone is overly clingy, or can’t live without you, that’s probably not a good sign. If somebody feels like they need to dominate the relationship and the conversations or dominate what you do and who you are with, that would be really strange. Also anytime someone’s like, making you feel less, that’s not showing respect. That would be a warning sign as well.
Mulder: If either you or the person, the other people in this relationship, are likely unable to function without the other, that’s a problem. If they need to know where you’re at at all times, that’s a problem. And if you need to know where they’re at at all times, you gotta take a look at yourself and that’s a problem.
Q: What makes a healthy relationship?
Zutz: First and foremost, respect. Listening to each other when you fight or disagree, trying to really hear the other person is very important. One of the things that my wife and I had to figure out is like, how when we disagree or argue, we’re not doing it to win, but more like, winning is that we both come out feeling heard and seen and valued.
Mulder: One where each person involved is able to be themselves fully and not have to worry that the other person is gonna stop being interested in them just because, “I’m into race cars” or Pokemon or whatever. If you can’t be yourself and have this person still like you, then find somebody who can.
Q: How do you think teenage relationships have changed over time?
Coon: I’ll talk about social media. Nowadays, people just kind of post everything they’re doing, and that’s another opportunity for someone to kind of feel lousy, even if they shouldn’t feel lousy. One thing that’s different is the instant expectation, ‘Why didn’t you text me back?’ or ‘I saw you open my message.’. So, there’s expectations that can be there that are because of social media and messaging that weren’t there in the past and that’s more tricky.
Q: Did you have a high school relationship? What was the biggest thing you learned from it?
Coon: I had a few relationships, but one big significant one. I dated someone who was far more mature than I was, and one of the things I loved about her is she was her siblings biggest fan. I mean, it wasn’t all roses, but I just knew that she would want to be at any sporting event that they had, and I knew that if I wanted to hang out with her that was where I had to be.
Zutz: Yeah, it was really awkward. Our relationship didn’t work because we didn’t see each other enough. Relationships need time. We were both sophomores when we were dating and we didn’t see each other enough, because we didn’t have, you know, cars or licenses yet. It just wasn’t going to work, even though I had known her since kindergarten.
Mulder: Make sure that the person is actually into you and not just interested in a relationship.
Q: Do you have any advice for single students?
Coon: Be yourself. You’re enough, and don’t change who you are because of pressures from the outside, right? And then cultivate your friendships. Those that matter the most.
Zutz: I know it’s tough to be single and I know, like, you see people in hallways in relationships and whatnot. That’s something that I definitely wanted when I was younger. I think that you need to figure out how to be comfortable with yourself before you’ll be ready to be in a relationship with someone else. Many relationships aren’t going to be perfect. Many relationships are going to get messy. Yet you’ll be able to learn something through every relationship. But it’s okay to walk through high school and not feel like you have to be in a relationship. Don’t feel pressured to do things that you’re not ready for, or that you’re not comfortable with.
Mulder: Don’t worry so much. It’s hard and difficult to want a relationship and not have one, but the wanting becomes something that becomes its own monster. Just try to just enjoy life for yourself. You don’t need somebody else to make life happy, to make yourself happy.